I spoke with a woman last week who asked for prayer because a recent mammogram had turned up some asymmetry.  I wrote back, “Oh my word, I had that exact thing this summer.  Asymmetrical and fibrous and I tried to be so brave, but dan caught me in bed crying and google searching designer head scarves.  But they call you to the cancer center and you’re sure they’re going to tell you it’s cancer and you’re dying and I’m pretty positive they won’t, but I’ll be storming heaven just the same.  Because no matter how many people tell you they’ve had the exact same thing, it’s terrifying. Love you so much and let me know what they say, ok?”  Because if this has happened to you, you think, this is how it goes down, here in this place with the smells and that god-awful art.  Until you walk out the doors and you’re ok and you feel a bit foolish for having jumped to the worst when the best is what happens most of the time.

Sister, if you’re in a dark place, facing things that feel like they might consume you, I have this to say and it’s totally stolen from a dear one who struggles too: anxiety is a beast and sometimes he devours us and sometimes we take him for a walk.  And if the worst has happened, then you need your village.  And if it’s all in your head, well, that doesn’t make it any less real for you and you need your village too. You can’t do this life alone. We are herd people.  So just give a whistle and we will surround you until the beast is gone and you feel safe again. And if you’ve bought the lie that you’ll never be ok again, girl, you know that’s the devil’s Kool Ade.  Don’t drink that crap.

Now, let’s think about something lighter, shall we?  Like the fact that my kid ate homemade horse treats last weekend unknowingly and accused me of being the world’s worst cookie baker for making something that tastes like grass. Or how when I get a phone call, my watch, phone and Judith (laptop) all ring and light up and I don’t know how to stop it so I cover my ears and pray the person hangs up before I have a seizure. There is so much good in this life.  So much funny and sweet and lovely.  Let’s focus on those things this day, huh?

this is me being real.



6 Replies to “weekend.”

  1. I know it’s hard but start a grateful journal in times like this. You can look back and see just how blessed we actually are. As someone who has gotten that news… I just tried to get through the moment that I was in right then. And then the next moment… and so on. At the end of the day, if I made it through that day it was a good day. It is so hard to look at a “day” when you are struggling a Day is soooo incredibly long. Break it down into moments. When I was getting my chemo, there was a man maybe 27ish. He was from a different country,so he was alone. He was throwing up 7-9 times a day and had bad constpation. I felt so guilty for feeling good. Look around there is always someone worse off than us. We are so blessed even in the midst of cancer. Stay strong my friends. We have a great physician.


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