It is October 11th and half of my elementary age children are without room moms currently. With exactly 21 days until Halloween parties, this is nothing short of disastrous. Without the proper room mom and her bevy of games and activities, it will surely be the worst. year. ever. Can we talk about this for a sec? The bar, it is so high. Damn Pinterest for making us so creative that classroom parties now involve cruditee trays and sweat in our bras. Last year I got an email from one of my kid’s room moms explaining how she’d spent so much of her own money already and hadn’t even purchased the elf hats she was planning on personalizing with puffy paint for all the kids, so would I consider underwriting the holiday party? One: my kids don’t wear hats passed out at school. Lice, man. Two: no. There are bins of props and twenty eight goodies bags filled with non-gmo, organic, free-range, casein free, non-edible treats. Mothers hoof it in bearing fruit kabobs and themed centerpieces. Heaven help the poor gal who doesn’t get to the sign up genius’ quickly enough to get the miniature bottled waters (aren’t all students supposed to bring a reusable stainless steel, sustainably crafted in the USA bottle everyday already?) or the napkins. She will be saddled with a decision chasm: bring nothing and be that mom or hand cut organic baby carrots to look like baby Jesus.
You need a room mom? I can room mom the heck out of this deal, but it’ll look like this: donuts and juice purchased by the PTO, a themed book read aloud using all the voices and lots of gesticulation and the corresponding Peanuts movie. The budget will be $200, which includes a $190 gift card for the teacher. I know the kids would be ok with this, but if you can tell me the other mothers won’t titter and draw comparisons, I’ll have this job locked up. Because for every Pinterest mother, there is a mom who really desires to be in her kids classroom, contributing, but who knows there is no way she can carve out the time or budget to compete. So, I’m proposing a Dumbing Down of our classroom parties. It’s part of an entire Dumbing Down campaign I’ll be rolling out in pieces all year and includes plans for Teacher Appreciation, Conference Meals and Valentines. When I was a kid… I mean, seriously. The moms of yesterday would die over the expectations the moms of today saddle each other with. And can we suppose that perhaps, just maybe, when we give the kids the moon they will expect it again and again? It’s ok to be mediocre. To have a party that isn’t the talk of the school. To give the kids a donut and call it a day, especially knowing you’re going to be up half the night sewing sequins on the mermaid costume your kid pinned in July. If we are good with that, then I’m all in. Send me that sign up genius and order the donuts, we’re having a par-tay.
this is me being real.