away.

It’s been a weird season.  Not just this crazy Michigan weather, but here, in this condo.  We are elbow deep in samples and I run out to the house to answer some question or another at least once a day.  A packet of papers came from our adoption agency yesterday.  It’s so long and involved the only response I could give it was to lay my head on the vinyl covered table and cry.  I thought getting our dossier in would feel so good.  And it does.  Only it’s given birth to the scary reality that we are actually doing this insane traveling with all our children to China to pick up our daughter with special needs thing.  Which has led to hours and hours on Facebook and blogs following the stories of families who have gone before us, comparing our wait times, wondering when we’ll go and how I’ll manage the flight with my considerable claustrophobia.  Which has led to not sleeping well and worry on the ugly side and leaning into Father on the beauty side.
It’s a season and I’m not sure it’s going to be one I remember fondly always.  And I sat here last night after getting the human hurricane in bed and looked at my family, all of us on different devices.  There is little to do here, with no neighbors and no friends, no backyard with a creek and abundant wildlife, no projects and to do lists other than the massive one at 9000 that is constantly calling us.  And, frankly, there is little energy, not at the end of these full full days when all I want to do is curl up with my ipad and cruise Houzz to get a good picture of the vanity I want built in the boys bath.  So that’s what we’ve done.  Surrendered to the lull and spent our evenings snuggled on the couch with technology and a glaze in our eyes.  And it’s not ok.  When I pictured these days of condo living, I saw it as a grand adventure.  A time to explore our city and play board games and hang out as a family.  I didn’t factor in the mind numbing tiredness of working on adoption papers and designing a house.  But Father did.  And he’s calling me away.
I’m unplugging us Vos’ for a bit.  I’ll check in now and then, but the level of connectedness we’ve acquired is not healthy and I’m putting up my dukes against the pull of it.  Less fb, less blog reading, less comparing our journey to everyone elses and wondering why they aren’t the same.  Less kids curled around ipads and more together games of Uno and Blokus.  Less Netflix and more taking them home and letting them shoot stuff and nail stuff and be the feral Smalls they need to be.  Might even skin something while I’m at it.  Prolly not.
I prayed that this winter would find us pouring into our family, and arguably, building our home and adopting is doing that, but I want more.  More adventure.  Even if I have to tape my eyelids open to see the cards, I’m going to play.  Even if I can’t eat it, I’m going to pop that darn popcorn and settle under blankets for a family movie on one device, even if the boys declare it dumb girl stuff or the girls have to cover their eyes.  And I’m going to focus on the only One who can prep me for surviving this season: Father.
This is me being real.  Heading to Meijer to pick up so board games and 5 Hour Energy shots.

5 Replies to “away.”

  1. I love your honesty. Just remember none of this has taken Father by surprise. He's unfolding His plan even at the tiny condo.
    I'll come over anytime and teach you Euchre. It's my new favorite game.
    It's such good stuff that you are doing, hard, but good.
    love you deep

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  2. My family went to China a year ago. I took 2 kids on that painful flight across the world. I am very, very afraid of flying and the anxiety I get when flying is off the charts. Call your Dr. Even if you don't take any medication now, even if you hate the idea of medication, I promise you that if you can take something for the flight (think Xanex) it will make all the difference in the world and your kids with thank you for it because you will be calm for them. Have you been there before? Major culture shock! Good Luck! Love reading this blog and hope you keep writing because it is such a gift you have.
    Dianne Hill

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  3. Mom, I love you so.
    Dianne, that is so helpful. I do have some Klonopin I can take if I need to. Also thinking about doing some relaxation therapy before we fly, but we shall see if time permits…
    Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. They are honey to the heart.

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  4. 2 years ago I almost crawled out of my skin on a 6 hour flight from Paris, so before our trip to the Philippines I got a prescription from the doctor. In all of the excitement, I forgot to take it with me. I would tell you how I managed without it, but I have no idea. Somehow my brain kept itself busy and managed quite nicely. I know from our flight plans that it was 35 hours of travel from Grand Rapids to Cebu, but I remember almost none of it. My first clear memory of that trip is arriving at the orphanage – Mira immediately sitting next to me, so close her whole leg was touching mine – and Rose handing me the baby that she had been carrying in every group picture I had ever seen of the orphanage kids. If they can trust me with their little broken hearts, I guess my own heart knew that I could trust God to get me there to claim them. Peace.

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  5. It occurred to me later that this might sound like I'm implying that the medications are unnecessary – sorry about that. Medications and relaxation therapies are great planning; it is just the worry that was unnecessary.

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