Have been struggling with anxiety lately, no point in ignoring that and pretending I have it all together. Too many of you know me well enough to know that’s not true. I lay awake for hours in the early times of Sunday morning waiting for the sun to come up, kids to awaken, so I could get up and stop being afraid and I just felt this urgent need to get to church and get into the prayer room. Just get me to the prayer room. Only when I got there it was empty. Until the sweet soft sounds of my sister walking in, who just happened to come to the same service and just happened to know I needed help in the prayer room, interrupted the silence and nearly made me cry in relief. We spent a lovely hour and a half on our faces confessing our sins, asking for healing for ourselves and others, writing in her journal what God was telling us and growing an action plan for being better wives. Better mothers. Better daughters of a King. Better. Better. Just better. And while the anxiety has continued, it has this fresh layer of balm over it that is making it more tolerable. That is making it feel ok and clearing up the clouds that were darkening my perspective because if you’ve ever been in the desert, you know that it feels like you’re going to be there forever. Only you’re not. You find that out when you reach the mountains and you can take a deep breath again and you realize that the desert time was crappy but also sweet because you felt nearer to Jesus there. And in the way that only God can, you begin to miss it just the teeniest bit because you had no doubt there about whose kid you were. No doubt. And you commit to stuff like praying more and wanting less and serving more and buying less because your newly gained perspective tells you that when you live in bondage to anything other than Christ you just are crucifying him over and over for the things he already died for. And you don’t want to do that.
And part of the plan was to turn off the tv for one week (or more, but don’t tell my kids) and spend that time reading nothing but the Bible and melting into my family. Of course, a smarter mom would have written a contingency plan that has a snow day clause that allows for one or more movies, but I’m not a smarter mom. So we’re on day 2 without tv. And though I lost a considerable number of brain cells this afternoon reading an entire Magic Tree House book to Tess and Peter, it’s not been so bad. We spent all afternoon yesterday constructing this city while Dan was away:
This was very dangerous as the volcano erupted right onto Peter’s log cabin and caused it to burst into flames. Please know that no Playmobile were harmed in the making of this village.
So here’s to time away from the screen and extra time on our knees and to being real about it all. The good the bad and the ugly.