back.

It’s been a lovely and quiet summer.  Not in real life but on this blog and now the kids are back in school and I can hear my own inner voice again.  Yay fall.  Putting everyone on the bus the first day was bittersweet.  It always is, but they were craving routine and if I had to referee one more argument about who gets the middle row in the car, I was liable to drive off and leave all of them standing in the parking lot of Costco.  For four bliss filled days, they lapped up a new school year and fresh teachers while I organized closets I’d been just throwing crap into all summer.  And then they came home.  On Thursday.  For a four day weekend.  And they were exhausted.

I knew I was in for it when Lucy burst into tears as she walked through the front door because the backpack she begged for in NYC is the worst thing ever.  Abe fell getting off the bus, scraping his nose and sending him into a weeping litany of every thing that has ever gone wrong for him in the history of forever.  Maggie was silent, just dropping her backpack by the door and throwing her teeny self onto the couch where she promptly fell asleep.  Labor Day weekend is so cruel.  We have just summered the heck out of these people, gotten our first taste of alone and now they’re back and they’ve brought their friends: Argument and Boredom, who hung out all weekend and drove me nuts.  I brought them to the bus stop on Tuesday with my own dear children and told them they were no longer welcome.  Unfortunately, they are stupid and got off the bus with my Smalls that same day.  We’re only just beginning to shake them now, a full week later.

For all you moms who completed your bucket lists this summer: well done you.  For the moms who didn’t even bother to make one, but kept your babies alive and fed, who called it a good day when nothing broke and you read them a story: well done you too.  Summer is my favorite, but back to school is a close second.  I crave the routine it brings and the joy of having those babies walk in the door after school is so yummy someone oughta figure out how to bottle and sell it (all proceeds to the kid’s teachers).  Summer holds victories and defeats, and both in spades.  We failed at our summer reading program but no one drowned in the pool.  We never made it to Mackinaw Island and Abe hasn’t really mastered a 2 wheeler, but we picked strawberries with our owns hands and made jam that was so labor intensive we are saving it for a special occasion, like when Jesus comes.  The dogs didn’t get walked as much as they should have, but everyone learned how to pull weeds, except Maggie who literally doesn’t have the arm strength to do it.

We have summered these kids to within an inch of our lives and it has been amazing. Mamas, you have done this and you deserve a pat on the back and a whole lot more.  God bless the teachers who have grabbed the baton out of our shaking hands and are running with it.  If you homeschool, and therefor are the teacher, you are my hero.  Seriously.  And I know there are a lot of feelings that come with sending babies off on that bus, so let’s chat about that soon.  Maybe over a cuppa?  Until then,

this is me being real.

#mayday.

Our community has lost two mamas to suicide in the past week. We need to talk about this; we’re fools if we don’t.  I won’t pretend to understand the depth of depression these women struggled with, but I spent many nights in my 30s laying in bed, drowning in panic attacks and sadness and eating hopelessness like it wasn’t the bitterest thing I’d ever put in my mouth.  I have wondered if death wouldn’t be preferable to that madness and if the world wouldn’t be a better place without my crazy in it.  I’ve never been suicidal, really, but I have wondered.  And until we bring this dark, soul sucking disease of depression into the light, we will continue to suffer in ear shattering silence.  It will kill us.  It is killing us.  

Mama, if you are struggling with the desire to be done with this world, this is for you: your kids? They need you.  Your husband?  He does too.  And if you don’t have kids or a husband, if you’re not even a mama, the world needs you.  It does.  You matter.  Even with the cloak of depression weighing your shoulders down, we need you.  Even in a diminished, fragile, needy state of mind, we need you.  Your life matters in whatever capacity you are living it.  And if there is a voice right now that is telling you otherwise, then please do this: go into your closet, shut the door, put a pillow over your face so you don’t freak the children out and scream as loudly as you can to shut up.  If you like to use swears, this would be a fantastic time to do so. You scream your fighting words into that pillow and then you have to do this next thing because it’s vital.  I want you to text a friend, a neighbor, a coworker, your mom just one word: MAYDAY.  It is their signal that you need help.  They will come.  We will all come.  Just please hold on until we get there.

Sisters, can we agree that we need a battle cry and that MAYDAY is a killer one?  I don’t know what you believe, but there is truth that goes like this: there is a God, who is all powerful and all knowing and bursting with perfect love.  He made you.  He loves and accepts you and you matter to him.  He, and he alone, gets to decide when your work here on earth is finished and I promise you that if you surrender into his soft hands, he will hold you so tightly you won’t ever want to be let loose.  All your sadness won’t melt away because it doesn’t work like that, I’m sorry to say.  Instead, you will find in him the ability to cope with this crappy world and all it’s hurt.  And you will find a purpose worth living for that will help you get out of bed in the morning and start working.  Because there is no hurt too big to heal, so whatever you’re dealing with, bring it.  We won’t fix it because we are woefully unqualified to do so, but we will drive you to someone who can.  We will hold your hand and text you love notes and we will travel your road with you because you are not alone.

Mamas, the world does not have your back, but we do.  If you are living in darkness so deep you can’t see any other way through but suicide, Mayday.  If you are buying the lie that your babies would be better off without you, Mayday.  If you believe your husband/family/friend deserves more than a depressed wife/mother/friend, Mayday. You text those 6 letters like your life depends on it, because it does. And we will drop dishes, power down our computers, jump out of the bathtub and come.  Hair askew and panting and with only ourselves and hope to offer, we will come running for you because you are precious and you do not need to suffer alone.  We are here.  We are listening.  We love you. #mayday

This is me being real.

end.

There are two more days of school and they will kill us.  I left to attend Tess’ End Of Year! Celebration! with these instructions to the boys: don’t let the dogs out because they just sprayed for spiders and study for your exams.  Two hours later I arrived home to find the dogs outside and the boys sleeping.  Peter turned in all his textbooks and study guides today, staring at me blankly when I asked how he’s going to study.  He’s now doing quizlets on his phone.  Online quizzes produced by his peers and proctored by absolutely no adults.  This is a fool proof study plan and he is killing it.

I made possibly the best pasta I’ve ever made tonight.  The sauce was simply browned butter with garlic and salt and poured over al dente pasta and cruciferous vegetables.  Three people hated the broccoli.  One cried over the cauliflower.  Two spent the better part of an hour separating out every single pea.  I ordered them to work together to do the dishes, which took all of four minutes because there are six of them and we ate on paper plates.  I just found all the dishes in the sink, which means they think doing the dishes means clearing the table.  I want to eat chocolate and hit stuff.

Tess had a wart frozen off her foot this morning.  I have a three and a half hour dentist appointment tomorrow morning to have crowns put on two molars.  I’m skipping it and spending the money on recreational drugs.  I had to wash saddle pads yesterday and, even though I spent forty five minutes cleaning the hair out, my shirt smells like horses.  Someone spilled red down the front of the cabinets but no one will fess up or tell me what it is.  One of the Smalls just slammed the door so hard the handle fell off and, even worse, I was glad because at least someone is finally closing a door.  The dogs dug up the sprinkling in one of the beds, again, positive because maybe, just maybe, now I’ll have enough water pressure to get the conditioner out tomorrow morning.

The teacher gifts are ready to go, but every time I sit down to write the cards, I start to cry because these teachers have given everything and they deserve so much more than a gift card to amazon.  They deserve a hundred thousand dollars in a Swiss offshore account in the Bahamas and a kidney.  I give our school crap often on fb, but mostly it’s just aimed toward classroom parties and other ridiculous things.  I really do love that place. It’s filled with the best sorts of people doing beautiful work.  Work that is far harder than we give them credit for.  Anyone who has listened to a child try to read knows this.  Teaching my kids how to read (A-N-D spells and.  Now and forever more.  On every page.  Any time you see the letters A-N and D, it will always spell and.) deserves the whole world and a side of guac.  It is a thing that nearly costs me my salvation and I have two people learning to read.  I can’t.  But they do and I pledge them my allegiance for it.

We need to talk about summer being here and how it’s jamming my son’s feed with bikini pictures of girls I can only assume are orphans because no one is proctoring their posts.  But that’s a talk for another day.  For now there is us, barely keeping our heads above water and still needing to publish book lists and make stuff for tomorrow’s pool party.  All of which we will do, me with an ice pack held to cheek since the family volleyball game we played tonight ended with Dan punting the ball into my face, which only hurt once I stopped laughing so hard I peed my white jeans in the front yard.  Good luck on exams and preparing for them, ‘specially if they’re only using quizlets to prepare.  Solidarity is my offering if you’re saying Good-Bye to a school that has loved and held your babies.  Solidarity and tissues tucked into bra.  Strength if you’re planning to join in forming a tunnel of parents and teachers as our sixth graders run through to the busses for the last time.  I’m always near the end, weeping and yelling, WE LOVE YOU, WE BELIEVE IN YOU, WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!  Two more days.  We do not go gentle into that good night.

this is me being real.

dear younger me.7

Megan, it’s hard for me to even remember the carefree days you’re living.  You have literally zero people who are dependent on you.  If you could respond, and I wish you could, you would argue.  You’re great at arguing.  You would tell me that the weight of the world is on your shoulders and I would smile and let you think that.  I would be that smug.  I’m such a jerk.  But I wouldn’t trade places with you for the world.  We are three days away from handing our son over to a surgeon who will open his little chest, put his broken heart on bypass and attempt to fix parts of it.  This is poop-in-your-pants scary and I wouldn’t still wouldn’t trade places with you.  Nearly as bad is the fact that two of our daughters are obsessed with slime and every room I walk into has little containers, my little containers, of the stuff just waiting to get spilled on carpet and stuck in hair.  Open heart surgery and slime…it’s a toss up.

But this isn’t about that.  I need to tell you how to pray.  Right now you are using God like some cosmic concession stand.  You walk up when you need something, order what sounds good, accepting that you might have to pay a couple bucks, and wait for whatever you asked for to be handed over.  Your prayers are small because your world is small and before you get all pissy about that remember that I am you and I remember and I know differently now.  At sometime, I can’t remember exactly when, you will realize that an infinitely big God can handle bigger stuff.  When you realize this you will begin to pray more recklessly and it will make all the difference.  You will go to deliver a meal to a dear one who has lost 3 babies.  Three.  And is now fighting for her life with stage 4 breast cancer.  She will be sitting on her front porch, post chemo treatment, with her head in her hands and you will gently touch her shoulder and tell her who you are and that you’ve put dinner in the kitchen because she will be in so much pain she will not even be able to raise her head.  You will pray over her because that’s maybe the only food that sounds good and then you will drive away.  And as you do you will hit your steering wheel and weep and you will pray this big prayer, “Abba stop.  Whatever is next for her, if it isn’t beautiful and healing and good, give it to me.  I beg you to give it to me.” And then you will wait.

Someday you will go on Etsy and order a leather cuff to me made with a brass plate that has your biggest prayer on it, Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.  This will become your battle cry and you will wear that cuff for months straight until it is written on your tongue.  This big prayer will lead you to China.  Twice.  A place that terrifies you and that is very much too far from home.  That big prayer will lead you to two babies who need you and you will give and give to them until you feel stripped of everything and are exhausted and then you will give some more.  This is prolly your biggest prayer yet and it’s cost you a king’s ransom.  You will watch in trust and a little horror as this big prayer you prayed costs your biological kids a King’s ransom too.  And you will wonder if big prayers are worth it, but that’s during the night when thoughts of your son’s coming surgery are keeping vigil with you and Doubt has his head on the pillow next to yours.  You will politely carry his ass out to the curb the next day because it’s Tuesday and Tuesday is trash day.

Someday you will pray bigger prayers because you will be given the perspective that the world is so much bigger than you thought and it’s broken and crappy and the only way to redeem it and bring heaven closer is to pray radical prayers that require radical obedience, something you’re terrible at, but are learning.  And sometimes these big prayers, if you look closely, are actually hundreds and hundreds of little prayers all stacked and smushed together.  You will have these six amazing children who will worry you.  You’re not even sure why, but they will and so you will with pray often and without clear direction because the Spirit has impressed upon you that you must and so you do.  And all these little prayers will melt together into this one big one, “Father, do whatever you need to do in their lives to radically transform them into people that follow hard after you and who pray their own big prayers someday.” This is literally putting your kids on an alter and sacrificing them to a God who has the power to mess them up bad but who adores them and so will only allow what is for their own good, to mold them into the people he created them to be.  This is your biggest prayer yet, this handing over of your opus magnum and asking God to partner with you in the molding of them.  You will have to do this several times a day because you are really good at snatching them back off the alter and pretending that you know what’s best.  You are, again, such a jerk.  And it’s not only your kids and husband you hand over, but yourself as well.  Most importantly, maybe, yourself.  Abba, use me, break me, mold me, fill me, shine a light on all the parts that have gone bad and redeem them for your purposes.  Abba, take me, every inch, and then give me the courage to be who you’ve made me to be, even when it scares the socks off me.  Especially when it scares the socks off me. Remind me that this life is just a blip on the radar screen and that heaven is my real home.  Let me do the work and let me get exactly no recognition for it so you get it all.  And then give me the words to write about it so that others know too and will understand that, despite the fact that I’m a terrible stand in for the King, I’m trying and that

this is me being real.

May.

Here’s the problem with May: all winter long you sit in the doldrums of the year, weather raging outside your frosty windows and every day dancing to a slow rhythm.  Winter is delightfully boring. And then May comes with her gorgeous weather and all you want is to be outside in it, planting and picnicing and instead you are inside because May is the terminus of everything.  May should be like a Summer’s Eve commercial and instead she’s like standing in line at the Secretary of State.  May is when you want to finish strong but you are pretty sure you’re not even going to make it across the line.  May is having the dog lick the deodorant out of your pits while you clean up a water balloon someone brought inside.  May is field trip forms that need to be signed and enclosed in an envelope with seven dollars so that you have to break a twenty at the gas station while you’re picking up gatorade for a field day in which no one wins and no one loses.  May is teachers gifts all in a row on the dining room table and if anyone touches them you will kill them because you’re sure you’re forgetting someone and every spring you wonder if you need to do all the support people and you think maybe not but they gave so much and so you’re torn.  May is last concerts sung by bleary eyed kids who stayed up too late because it was so light.  May is graduation open houses, again with the gifts on the table and the killing.  May is swearing you won’t discriminate between the graduate who worked his tail off and the one who basically just showed up every day and got the participation award because the only way to survive May is by getting everyone the same thing.  May is dandelions in the lawn that sneer at you when you close the blinds at night and tell them for the four thousandth time that you swear it’s their bedtime; it’s going to be light at bedtime now until the fall.  The fall is when the leaves FALL and you go back to school.  No, right now is spring.  Summer is next.  No school in summer but you’ll still have a bed time and it’ll be light. every. night. that’s why we have blinds.  I don’t know why the call it summer, they just do.  Please go to sleep, for the love of Michael. May is registering for classes for the next year when you’re certain this one is going to kill you, so can we just wait?  May is Sign-Up Genius’ by the dozens asking for filled water balloons and gift cards.  It’s the month of Teacher Appreciation Week, when you have to send your kids every blessed day with something but because you are merely surviving this May, you hold up a box of tissues and a tub of wipes that you found in your pantry and say, “which one? Your teacher will love this, trust me.”  May is pale, pasty legs sticking out of new shorts and arguments about wether they are too short and telling them that you paid twenty four dollars for the shirt they’re refusing to put on, which they said they loved and would wear all the time and if anyone questions wether the strap is two fingers wide, just get Maggie and show them.  May should be white jeans, but April was white jeans because no one puts baby in a corner. Which means May is also dancing around the dogs, hands fending them off while yelling, not the white jeans! May is for signing the planner without even reading what is written on it because signing the planner is more than you’ve done all winter but we are finishing strong, remember?  May is for dirty feet and being ok with all their showers consisting of throwing them in the pool and calling it good.  May is for smelling like chlorine.

For all you who have mommed so hard, you are nearly there.  A few more weeks and it’ll be June and she is over almost before she starts and for the lions share of June school will be finished and you will own your days again.  Deep breaths, dear one.  Harry and Megan are getting married in three days, so get your fascinators ready and forget for a little while about all the stuff you have to do before the last day of school.  It’ll all fall into place.  Or it won’t and summer will still come and by day 2 your kids will be SOOO bored and you’ll start a really long paper chain until the first day of school, when you will kill it for a good three months because you are a warrior.  Well done.  And I’ll be here all summer, adventuring with my people and helping Abe recover and telling you about all of it because

this is me being real.

Dear Lily, (2)

Crummy day, huh? Or, maybe, crummy month?  Or even crummy year? I’m so sorry. You’ve always been wise beyond your years, so I don’t need to tell you that life is like that sometimes because you know that already, have experienced hard in your life already.  But if you’ve opened my letter, sure to be brimming with hilarious things, you must be especially sad.  Which is why your mom asked me to write this letter specifically.  She knows that laughing is my favorite language and that I have long used humor as a coping mechanism, a crutch and, sometimes, a weapon.  I can nearly always find something to laugh about. Even in the darkest seasons of my life I have needed laughter and levity like I need air.

The saddest funeral I ever went to was for our Grandma Rodenhouse.  She was the coolest lady; plenty of money but bought these horrible handbags from the coupon section of the Grand Rapids Press and had them monogrammed with a name none of us could bring ourselves to name any of our babies after: Ardene Mildred Rodenhouse.  She was love personified.  She just was and we loved her so dearly.  She used to have us sleep over at her cottage in this terrifying room done up in dark blue with paintings over the bed that gave me shivers.  They were painted burlap of Mexican children, which seems innocuous enough, but there was something really weird about them.  And their placement in a cottage in Holland, Michigan.  But she would put us in her twin beds with the textured coverlets pulled back and would put a chair between us and lightly scratch our backs until we fell asleep.  Her, singing hymns in her deep, soft voice and us melting into the scratchy sheets.  She was the Godliest woman I ever knew.  I miss her still.  For all that she was the picture of health, she up and died one day of a massive heart attack and we could not believe it.  She was someone we figured would live forever if for no other reason than that no one could picture a life without her.  Besides, she took cod liver oil off a spoon every morning from the lazy susan in her kitchen and that had to count for something, you know?  But then on this beautiful, sunny, June day, we found ourselves inexplicably filing into church after Papa, him wearing strength and dignity for his beloved mum, to attend her funeral.  We sat in those hard pews behind my grandpa Andy, who was the perfect counterpoint to her with his slow timbre and his funny hats and the way he’d pull over to the side of the road so he could measure a dandelion to see if it was a record breaker.  He loved Jesus and Grandma I think almost equally.  So we sat there in disbelief that she was gone and with her the pork and beef dinners we lived for in the summer after church and the quiet wisdom she exuded out of every pore in her comfy body.  Now, there is something you need to know about our Grandma.  She had dentures.  Aunt Molly knew this after she found them soaking in a glass in her bathroom and relayed the horror of it to us when we were supposed to be asleep.  But she didn’t just have dentures, no sir.  She had the whitest, biggest dentures I’ve ever seen.  She debuted them at Aunt Betsy’s 8th grade graduation.  Thank heavens for Papa, who called us each and warned us: my mum got new teeth and they’re kind of big for her, but don’t say anything because she’s really proud of them.  Which is why we could only stare, mouth agape when she turned the full power of those porcelain beauties on us.  It was the only thing we ever teased her for and only ever without her knowledge because all of us would sooner have died than risk hurting her by telling her we thought maybe the dentist ordered the wrong size.  And so we sat in that pew, damp Kleenexes clutched in hands and the best thing I could think to do was to lean over to papa, curl my upper lip so my teeth stuck out and whisper a line from the movie Fletch “must be the ball bearings”.  You’d have to know this movie to know why this was funny, but trust me: funny. We both dissolved with silent laughter, feelings at once free of the oppressive sadness and terribly naughty for laughing in church and at a funeral to boot.

Lil, whatever is making you sit on that hard pew at that sad, sad funeral today, I want to lean over and whisper a joke to you to remind you that life isn’t meant to be taken so seriously.  If you were here right now, I’d turn the full force of my comedic genius on you and you would be DYING because I’m hilarious.  So put this letter down and come over or call me and let me do that because funerals don’t last and neither does sadness.  There will be seasons when hurt will curl your body up like a question mark to Father and you will feel breathless and, maybe, hopeless.  But that is the crappiest koolaid out there and you must not drink it.  Whatever has you in a sad, hard place today will give way.  There is always sun after rain.  Always.  It might rain for days and days and you think you will drown in it, but sun will come.  I promise.  And when it does you will find that you are wiser and stronger for having weathered the rain.  And once the sun comes, you need to take your beautiful self out in it and look for the green things that have grown as a result of the rain.  There will always be green things to look for if you are thoughtful and wise and you are both.  Hold that green thing up and say, huh there you are!  And I promise you will feel better.

My dear Lily O’Connor, you are a great great gift.  If you need a laugh today because life is pressing in too hard on you, you just come over and let me tickle your funny bone.  Because, even more than laughter, being together is a balm for the wounded heart.  Your mom can come too because she’s funny (just not as funny as me) and we will tell you in turns that you are everything you are supposed to be and that Jesus is making a way and we will fix you a cuppa and remind you that sun is coming.

I love you deep.

 

*This is the second attempt at a letter I was asked to write for my niece, Lily, who is graduating from high school this month.  It is part of a series of letters written by people who love her to be opened at key moments in her adult life.  My assignment was: a letter to be opened when she needs a laugh.

Dear Lily.

What did the 0 to the 8?

Nice belt.

 

I love you,

Aunt Meg

 

(This is the first attempt at my part of her high school graduation gift, which is a series of letters from the people who love her to my niece to be opened on different occasions.  I’ve been assigned “To be opened on the occasion of needing a laugh…”

glamped.

Someday you will sit in your cozy home in the dead of winter and dream out a coming of age trip to take with your twelve year old daughter, who is completely, totally horse-obsessed.  You will google “big horse shows in America” because you clearly know what you are doing.  And the first thing to pop up, the only thing actually, is the Rolex Kentucky 3 Day Event, dubbed “the best weekend of the year”.  You will notice on the pull down menu that there is a clamping option.  It speaks of yurts dotting a field while horses graze nearby.  It mentions portable toilets but your husband, who is in construction and knows these things, will convince you to book it saying that for the kind of money they are asking, they will roll in one of those fancy portable bathrooms with marble counters and an attendant who does everything but wipe your ass.  That, added to the yurt, makes it all seem very Abercrombie and Kent and you are convinced. This, after all, is Lexington with her rolling green hills and miles of black fences.  It has to be great.

You have a long enough drive down that you finish the entire sex ed curriculum you’ve brought and, unlike her brothers, your daughter is completely oblivious and not at all afraid to ask questions.  You will have sweat in your bra by the time you pull in.  You will get out of your car to be met by a man named Tad, who seems to know very little about this whole program beyond the tent he personally set up.  Which is very much not a yurt.  He will show you to the porta potty, which are the exact same kind your husband, who you intensely dislike for a split second, has on all his job sites.  You say to Tad, Uh uh, homey don’t play that.  Your daughter will turn to you and ask if she’s heard you correctly.  She has.

Someday you might find yourself waking up in a tent someone sold you on by calling it a yurt, sweaters coating your teeth and nose frozen from the cold morning air.  You will roll out of bed, which in their defense is an actual bed with linens and a blanket you get to keep.  You will have it piled up with blankets like you’re Laura Ingalls going to bed during the Long Winter.  The weight of all those blankets will help you drift off, even as the lively party going on two tents away fights to keep you awake and sort of pissed off. There will be a blue porta potty so close you’re calling it an ensuite.  You will fall asleep and wake up to the cacophony of it’s door slamming over and over as you lay in bed, trying not to imagine how high the pile of human refuse is getting.  The tent will smell like your grandpa’s army bag from the 2nd world war and will be dotted with teeny flecks of mildew, but nothing beyond what you would expect from a well-used tent.  On your second night, you will become a total thorn in someone’s butt when you request to move further from the toilets and the partyers and, while they are at it, could they make it the double bed you originally requested so you and your girl can snuggle up?  The wifi you’ve been promised that led to dreams of resting tired legs and dusty feet while watching Anne of Green Gables all snuggled up doesn’t work, so you will drive to a book store so that your daughter doesn’t have to fall asleep reading the program for the event you’ve taken her to.  You will feel a bit wary of the whole thing and all the ways it’s fallen short, even as you feel guilty for it.  And then on your way home from the bookstore, eyes almost closed as you drive, you will get a text from your love saying that you have unlimited data and you will find the battery packs you had misplaced and so you will crawl into your cozy nest, slippers on and hoods pulled up, and watch her show with her, even though it’s so dumb, you think you might actually become dumb because you are watching it. You will make it through exactly one point three episodes before you drift off, holding hands under the blanket mountain.

Someday you will wake up be to a whole new view because it’s cross country day and the entire state of Kentucky has shown up to tailgate for it. There will be golf carts buzzing back and forth as you make your way to and from the porta potty and while you brush your teeth with Smart water in your front yard.  You will feel a buzz of excitement and you will think that there is nowhere on earth you’d rather be than right there, right then.  You will tell her that.  You will say, there are about a million things I could be doing right now, but this is the best thing I can imagine doing.  This watching horses fly down the straits and over impossible jumps while the sun paints freckles on her face and the thrill of it all leaves us both a little breathless.  She will be wearing a hat you’ve stood for hours in lines for, waiting for the heroes of her sport to sign it for her, knowing that each signature is gold to her. She will also be wearing the same sweatshirt and pants she’s worn for three days and you will remind yourself to maybe just burn them when you get home.

Someday you might have the chance to take your kid on an adventure, just you two.  It might take you far out of your comfort zone.  It might include porta potties and a shower house with a hairball so big you ask your fellow bathers if anyone is missing their dog.  Doing this with them will not make you a hero.  This is what you actually signed on for.  Not to just bring them along on your adventures, but to willingly take off on theirs.  It might include horses and walking nearly 30 miles in 2.5 days and that’s ok because it’s not about you, it’s about them.  Now, I’m not a numbers gal, but I promise you that it will be a solid investment into their hearts.  They will sit someday in a sun puddle, maybe far from home, and will remember how you did this with them and they will feel loved.  They will hold their own babies and commit to having adventures with them that feed the soul and heart.  And maybe it’ll be well within your comfort zone (grant-posh ski resort in winter park) and maybe it won’t (Peter-scuba diving in Florida), but it will send the message that what is important to them is important to you too.  And even though I shudder, truly I do, to think what hair-brained, half cocked adventure Lulu will cook up for us, I’m all in.  And I will come here, to Judith, at the end and tell you all about it because

this is me being real.

purity.

Dear Tess,

Someday you will have babies of your own, oh I pray you do, and you will hold that squirmy,  warm bundle of squishiness and love will flood into your heart and you will think that Jesus could just come already because you’ve done everything with your life that you need to do.  That surely nothing can top this moment, so let’s just call it, shall we? You will find that love filling in empty places you never even knew you had.  Grant and Peter did that for me and I fancied myself the mom of all boys; was sure you were the Jack Hendrik I’d been dreaming would join his brothers in their escapades.  I figured I would probably never have girls and that would be ok; they were kind of too fussy for my taste anyway.  Boy moms are so chill and I wanted to be so chill.  And then you emerged and Dr. Cummiskey said, it’s a girl, and I felt right then like I had been waiting for you, for a daughter, my whole life.  We used to say, I know what I know and I know what I think: everything’s better, better with pink.  We’d wrap you up in that so soft pink blanket Nana brought to the hospital, all of us marveling at it’s softness, it’s pinkness.  Now it’s lulu’s Black, so I owe you a blanket. We’d wrap you up and marvel at how perfect and soft and perfect you were.  We needed you.

And now you’re 12 and you and I are heading out of town tonight for our Passport to Purity trip.  Headed to three nights in a yurt at the Rolex Three Day Event in Kentucky and you can hardly wait.  You’ve been dreaming of the horses and the fanfare and the sheer athleticism of this sport you adore.  I have been dreaming of the way your eyes will sparkle when you watch, of how the sun will catch your hair and make it look like it’s made of spun gold, of snuggling in our bed at night and whispering ourselves to sleep.  You’ve asked no fewer than four times if we can just hurry through the sex talk stuff so we can focus on the horses and I’ll do my best, but don’t rush me because this is so important.  Nana took me to Russ’ for dinner, a restaurant that is host to epically bad food and phones you can order it on right from your booth.  I can still picture her sitting across from me and I was mortified as you will be too, but now that I’m a mom, I know how very very valiant she was to do this.  I want to be like that.

There will be times in the next four days when you will blush.  You might wish the ground would swallow you up whole and drop you anywhere no one is talking about sex, but I want to be, need to be, the information super highway by which you get your facts.  You might choose never to ask me a question about sex again for the rest of your life, even when questions are burning in your brain, but I need to know that I’ve opened the line on my end so you can always pick up on your end and ask.  Anything and I will answer as honestly as I can and in a way you are ready for. Remember when you were little and we made telephones with tin cans and a string?  For the rest of your life, I will have that tin can in my hands and will be listening for you.  You just talk whenever you want.  I’ll be there.  Or say nothing at all and that’ll be ok too.

Tess, the instructions for this weekend call for a gift of a purity ring, but I’ve never loved being put in a box, so I did my own thing.  The signet ring I had made for you is like my own.  It has your initials engraved on it. Someday you will maybe get married and change your name (and your initials) and that’s ok.  But you must never forget who you are, who you were created to be.  You, my love, were created for purity.  You were created to give yourself to your husband and him only.  This is God’s perfect plan for you.  There are wonderful things that wait for you when you are married, but only then.  Your purity is a beautiful gift you will present to him on your wedding day and we pray that he will return it with his own purity.  This is what God wills for you, but the world will tell you otherwise and it may tell you in a voice so loud that it drowns out God’s and you surrender to it.  It may be that you lose your purity.  If this happens, we will be sad for you and for your future husband, but it will not diminish you in our eyes or in God’s.  There is nothing you can do, no step you can take that will change how much we totally adore you. Holding yourself to a higher standard is counter cultural.  Lots of the people around you are just trying to do what feels good, but you were made for more than that.  You were made for self-control and holding fast to the limits laid out for you in the pages of the Bible.  Cling to your Father and listen for his voice always.  Learn to shut out the voices that compete with His until your ears have become finely tuned.  Know that He thought about how tempting sex would be and that he made provisions for you to handle it.  Hopefully none of this applies to you for a long, long time, but when it does, you will have this letter in a safe place and it will help you remember that you are so much more than what you do with your body, but that what you do with your body…it matters.  It matters now and it’ll matter later.  You matter so much.  To us and to the Father who knit you together in my body almost 13 years ago.  You are the greatest gift and I pray you feel that always.

Dad and I want the following things for you:

We want you to fall head over heels in love with Jesus.  This might happen on it’s own, organically, or it might be the outcome of some time of hurt and pain for you.  We will be there.

We want you to lay down your life, to look for the lost, the poor, the sick, the weary and give them the very last shirt in your closet.  You will find your life if you give it away.  We will be there.

We want you to experience love beyond our family.  The love of a husband and children and maybe even some grand babies in cowboy boots and smelling like the barn you will surely live near.  The love of dear friends who know all your secrets and love you anyway. We will be there.

We want you to keep your body, your heart and your mind pure.  To dedicate them to God and for the service of others.  Nothing matters more.  We will be there.

Notice that we don’t write that we want you to be happy or content.  The truth is that sometimes you will and sometimes you won’t and that’s ok.  You were never promised a rose garden and you will find that a little time being stuck in the thorns will help shape you into the person God wants you to be.  We believe that if you follow hard after Jesus, you will find happiness and you will be content and that the world’s definition of both is so jacked up it doesn’t even bear writing about.  Trust us on this: if you follow the verse “religion that our father finds good and pure is this: that you care for widows and orphans in their time of need and that you keep yourself from being polluted from the world” you will find happiness and contentment.  We will be there.

Tessie Mama, you are my girl.  I love everything about you.  Let’s have an adventure together, shall we?  I can hardly wait.

xoxo,

mama

tomorrow.

Tomorrow we meet with docs to see if Abe can be listed for a heart transplant.  If you’d told me six months ago that I’d be spending my spring researching organ transplant hospitals and possible schools in each area, I’d tell you to get lost.  I’m no closer to housing options in any location.  Stanford is prohibitively expensive, Houston is full of black mold (and don’t try to convince me otherwise) and every available rental house in Ann Arbor has six small bedrooms and a kitchen that looks like a meth lab.  Nothing is 9000 and therefor, nothing is ideal.  But I’m putting the cart before the horse, as per usual.  First we have to meet with another Dr. Lee tomorrow and staple Abe’s undies to the table so he lays still for his echocardiogram and then we will talk.  Talk and ask questions and continue our information gathering.  Continue this quest to get our boy a heart as quickly as possible and in a way that sucks the least for all of us.  Until then life grinds on, as it always does.  There are kids thumbing their noses at the dinners I make and Abe practicing his name on Dan’s gorgeous cedar brackets outside and I’m still positive my last words will be, “Maggie, take a bite.”  Sometimes I’m stunned that it all doesn’t just grind to a halt when I think of the precipice we are balancing on.  Driving Lulu to an appointment yesterday led to a discussion on how organ donation works and included words like harvesting and coolers.  There was a lesson about the difference between brain dead and actually dead which was vague at best since I’m cloudy on the difference myself. But the part that was crystal clear to her was the someone-has-to-die-for-abe-to-get-a-heart part.  It pulled her sweet mouth into a perfect O as it sunk in and my eyes filled to think about it.  Peter for his part, doesn’t care about any details other than the possibility of temporarily paralyzed vocal chords post-op. If he could, he’d skip the transplant and possible moving part and just jump right to the part where Abe can’t talk.  Especially now when Abe has spent the last few days becoming progressively more dysregulated at the looming appointment and has defaulted into asinine question mode.  Questions including, but not limited to: what is it called when you wake up and eat? (breakfast) am I going to miss school? (for the millionth time, yes) is dog food made of dogs? (no, it’s made of kids who asked too many questions).
So we soldier on, knowing that we hold nothing to the pain and indecision that millions of other people face.  No one has died, we aren’t Syrian, we have plenty of food.  Yes, the dogs tear up my packages, but I as long as they don’t eat the packing slip, I can always find the contents in the yard.  This is a first world problem.  Every single problem I have is a luxury for most of the world.  And so, while I’m definitely not killing it, I’m not doing too shabbily either, all things considered.  As long as the teachers are willing to overlook that no one is bringing snow pants anymore because they are washed and stored and this cannot be reversed until next winter (CANNOT) we are good.  And if I’ve defaulted to basically forcing all the kids to get hot lunch so I don’t have to build sandwiches, well, that probably won’t kill anyone.  ‘Cept the mini chicken corn dog nuggets.  No one should be eating that crap.  It’s like the turducken of hot lunches.  Nope.
Happiest Almost Weekend y’all.  We’re nearly there.  It’s April 18 and the water truck will be here in two weeks and this time next week I’ll be laying me down to sleep in a yurt in KY, but tonight it’s snowing because Michigan done lost his mind, that bastard.  And we’ve nearly made it.  There is sun coming; I know this because I have refreshed my weather app like an addict. It’s coming.  But first there will be this appointment for our boy and I know God will show up.  Know it like I know there is oxygen enough for all of us in this house we never want to leave.  Waiting to bear witness to it, because it’s gonna be good.  And I’ll tell you all about it because

this is me being real.